The Way God Spoke to Me Six Years Later

I have a prayer journal, both at home and at school, where I write my prayers to God. It's like a dialogue journal in which I write to him and wait for him to respond to me be it through his word or through a nudge in my heart. I like to do this for a couple of reasons: 1.) I find that when I am writing it is easier to remain focused and 2.) I can always go back to see how the Lord has answered my prayers and worked in my heart.

This week, as I was dialoguing with God in my journal, I heard in the recess of my heart, "I make everything beautiful in my time." I recognized those words immediately and grabbed my bible and turned to the book of Ecclesiastes. Although I did not know exactly where to find the verse, it sounded very familiar to another verse that I had committed to memory, "There's a time for everything." Sure enough upon opening my bible, there it was and not only was it highlighted but it was dated, 1/16/05.

Almost instantaneously I understood why over six years ago that verse had spoken to my heart. You see when Lucas and I started dating back in December of 2004, my boyfriend quickly and subtly took God's place in my heart. Instead of worshiping my creator, I worshipped what he had created, my boyfriend. Exactly a month into our relationship, I felt God telling me, "Indy, I want you to let go of him like I asked Abraham to do with his son." And so we broke up. I was hurt, he was hurt but the decision was not mine alone. As a matter of fact until this day I kid about the fact that he dumped me. All kidding aside, back then we both understood that it was the right thing. It was during that transition that I sought the Lord out with all of my heart. I spent time fasting, in prayer, and in His word. I was broken hearted and turning to him was the only way to alleviate some of the pain. Yet I could not understand why he would give me a glimpse of what it meant to be in a relationship with a godly man and then in what felt like an instant, take it all away from me.

Obviously Lucas and I eventually did become boyfriend and girlfriend again, got engaged and are now married. God asked me to temporarily give him up. He was testing my heart and wanted to show me how a man had wrongly been put up on a pedestal. He showed me how that place was reserved for the Lord alone. It was an unforgettable lesson on keeping my priorities in order that every so often I continue to make sure I have not misaligned. God first and then all else follows.

So why is this verse still so relevant for me? How can it still speak to me six years later? Well, I have mentioned in the past that I had a strong desire to be a mother and I have also shared how for whatever reason God has asked me to wait. Although I understood it in my mind, it took my heart a while to catch up to what God had asked of me and surrender that desire completely to Him. So on that particular morning I was telling God something that quite frankly I never thought I'd say. I was being brutally honest with Him and with myself for that matter and I realized that I wasn't really ready to be a mother. I wasn't willing to sacrifice everything I have now (my time, my energy or even my resources) to put someone else before my own needs. I did not want to spend my days caring for a baby and dealing with sleepless nights. What I really wanted was to spend time on me. I wanted to enjoy my husband a little longer before the children came. I almost felt guilty for expressing what was on my heart but with an almost instant affirmation, God whispered to my heart, "I make everything beautiful in my time." Had he really spoken to my heart? I had to find that verse with my very own eyes, I had to see the evidence that it was the truth. I opened my bible and there it was in plain print highlighted and dated, "He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end."

Wow. So after almost three years of praying and waiting for a child, I finally understood. God. Makes. Everything. Beautiful. In. HIS. Time. At that very moment, it was crystal clear before my eyes, God's timing is perfect. There is indeed a time for everything but it's not my time, it's His. However there is a second part to the verse. "He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom What God has done from beginning to end." You see the temporal things this world has to offer, even those that are good, were never meant to perfectly satisfy us. We were created and yearn for something greater that we will only obtain after death in heaven next to our creator. The Wiersbe Bible Commentary puts it this way, "God accomplishes His purposes in His time, but it will not be until we enter eternity that we will begin to comprehend His total plan." In addition to knowing that God has a time for everything and does indeed make things beautiful in His time, we also know that as noble as our dreams are, we will never get the big picture until we are walking face to face with our Lord. At that time, he will reveal to us great mysteries that we were incapable of understanding while living life on this earth.

I don't know what it is in your life that you have been waiting on God to answer. You may not understand why he is allowing you to go through this hardship, this trial. It's just not fair. Your father was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor and you are praying for him to be healed, your husband has an unhealthy addiction and you are trusting God to intervene, your children are far from the Lord and you want them to turn back to Jesus. Perhaps God is asking you to wait on Him today. He has not asked you to give up on your dreams but wants to remind you that in His time, all things are beautiful. Are you willing to surrender your future to Him? Will you surrender ALL? Rest assured that God does indeed make everything beautiful in HIS time. I guarantee that waiting on Him will be well worth it.

Our youth group visiting our former and one of the greatest Sunday school teachers we have ever had, Nidia and her hubby, Agusto with the youth group. It was during our "break-up". My husband-to-be was sitting beneath me in the black polo. =)

I am like Joseph

As part of my New Year's Resolutions this year I began reading through the bible in a year using the Discipleship Journal Plan. I am currently reading Joseph's story in the book of Genesis which I must say is an amazing book in the Old Testament and I could relate to him.

If you're not familiar with Joseph's story, here's what happened in a nutshell: Joseph was his father's favorite and so his brothers became very jealous of him. When Joseph told them their dream about his brothers bowing down to him that about did it and they decided to take him into the wild and kill him. However, they sold him into slavery instead so that they could make some money off of him (How's that for greed and envy?). But God had other plans and he eventually made his way to Potiphar's house. Potiphar's wife was attracted to Joseph and wanted to have sex with him but Joseph was loyal and knew that it was wrong and simply could not and would not sleep with her. She was enraged and humiliated so she falsely accused him of trying to have sex with her. Potiphar had him imprisoned immediately after he heard the allegations from his wife. During his imprisonment he met two of Pharaoh's hired men who needed their dreams to be interpreted and so Joseph did just that. Although one of the men promised he would tell Pharaoh, he forgot to do so and therefore Joseph remained in prison. It wasn't until two years later that Pharaoh needed his own dream interpreted and that was when the cup-bearer remembered that Joseph was able to interpret dreams. Joseph was summoned to interpret a very important dream for Pharaoh. When he did, Pharaoh himself gave him the highest position, second only to Pharaoh. During the 7 years of famine, Joseph's brothers were sent by his father to get grains which, was a source of nourishment, a basic necessity during that time for survival. Joseph recognized them immediately although they did not know it was their brother, the one they had sold into slavery. And it is at this point when Joseph comes face-to-face with his brothers that this verse appears in Genesis 41:24. "Now he turned away from them and began to weep. When he regained his composure, he spoke to them again. Then he chose Simeon from among them and had him tied up right before their eyes."

You see, Joseph had come a long way. All that his brothers meant for evil was turned around for good. God had been able to take Joseph out of Canaan and put him in a leadership position where he saved a nation. Judging by his accomplishments, he was by all means a successful man, however, that could not erase all the pain that he had experienced. If anyone could say that life was unfair, it was certainly Joseph's right. Yet, he never did. What he did do in that verse however shows me that no matter where you are, no matter how much God has been able to bless you and use your pain for good, when you have been hurt, it will always hurt. You see Joseph was no superman. The verse tells me that he the pain of what his brothers had done and put him through was very real. I can assume that he had forgiven his brothers because he gave them the grain free of charge (he returned their money in their sacks). It was not his intention to seek vengeance, but he still "wept" and needed a few moments to "regain his composure".

I can relate to this verse so well. I have suffered injustices in my life (as all of us have) yet for so long, I thought I had to suck it up. I thought that because I was a new creation in Christ, those things that had happened to me in my childhood and youth were no longer relevant. They no longer had to hurt but this verse shows me otherwise. When you have been harmed especially when it is unjust, no matter how much time has transpired, it will hurt. There is a wound.

I have not yet finished reading through the life of Joseph in Genesis but what I have read thus far has given me so much peace. I've always thought that I had to be strong but now I am sure that it is not I that needs to be strong, it is Christ through me that heals my pain and gives me the strength like he did to Joseph to "regain my composure".

I can honestly say that everything that has happened in my life, God has used for a purpose. And those things which seem unfair now, I am confident he will use them someday.

Here is my heart's prayer,

Dear Lord,

Thank you for your word. It is living and active and it has spoken to my heart. It has shown me how you took an innocent man and allowed him to live through unfair circumstances, to be falsely accused and imprisoned, yet you did not leave him there. You made him victorious and used him for your purpose. I pray that this may be true of my life. Lord, use those things you have allowed in my life for the good.

I also pray for those who are hurting and asking "Why Me?" that you would give them a peace that surpasses all understanding, that they would be able to rest in knowing that you are in control.

I thank you that one day, Lord, one day you rescued me from the miry clay. Thank you for being my savior, for being my everything. I love you!

In Jesus' Name,
AMEN

The complete story of Joseph can be found here in Genesis 37-50.

The Pastor's Wife - A Minister's Greatest Asset or Liability

So I've been hesitating about posting this particular update because quite sincerely, as a Pastor's Wife, it's kind of embarrassing for me to share this but until yesterday I had not opened my bible in over a week. Lack of time is certainly not the reason as I've been on vacation but rather I can attribute the fact that my bible has been collecting dust to a heart of rebellion on my part. I haven't quite pinpointed the reason (I'm doing that as I write) but I believe I've been angry with God.

There's no denying that those closest to me have noticed (i.e. my husband). I actually had to apologize to him because I know that I haven't exactly been the most lovable wife yet he's patiently put up with me. One of the great things about Lucas is his ability to forgive. He doesn't hold on to things, so when I say I'm sorry, he truly forgives and doesn't bring it up ever again. I really appreciate that and I wish that I could be like him in that aspect.

Now why am I angry with God? Well, I don't exactly know the answer to that but slowly I am finding some things in my heart that we are working on together to change. I'm so grateful that the Lord has never left me just as he found me (or just as I was when I first came to him) but he is constantly helping me grow as a woman, a wife, a sister, a friend, and a Pastor's Wife.

So far I can tell you that being a Pastor's Wife has been the hardest role I've ever been in. I never saw that happening in the beginning. I used to hear women complain about it and think, "How can it be so bad? It's such an honor to be a Pastor's Wife."

Now, I understand that the enemy is so slick that he has been using women to discourage men from the beginning of time starting with Adam and Eve. The serpent first deceived the woman using his power of persuasion. It didn't take him long to convince her to take a bite from the fruit from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. However, it didn't stop there, she then gave her husband a bite. Adam resented Eve for what she had done. And I think ever since then, as women we have had to make the choice of fulfilling God's purpose to be our husband's "suitable helper" or follow in Eve's footsteps and just be "that woman God put here" (Read the full story here).

I understand how important my role is to his ministry because I have the power to allow him to accomplish great things for God or to destroy him. Today, I choose to "play on his team" (that's the analogy my hubby uses) and do great things with him.

This is my prayer:

Lord, I know so many times I've been focused on the wrong things and for that I ask forgiveness. Lord, you know that there is nothing I could ever do to thank you for saving me. You have blessed me with a husband that had exactly what I was praying for when I was single. Lucas is a man that loves you more than he loves me and it is because of his love for you that he is able to love me. I pray that you would give me that some fervor; let me fall in love with you, again. Show me how I can be supportive of my husband's calling. I praise you for this day and I thank you that even when I refused to open my bible and allow you to speak to me, you still sought me out. Thank you, Lord for loving me despite my ugliness.

In Jesus' Name,
Amen

Couple of Verses

Lots of great things happening and I promise that I'll update my blog soon but for right now meditate on this:

"I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God has been making it grow. So neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but only God who makes things grow."
-1 Corinthians 3:6 - 7