I am angry

As I sit here waiting for Danielle's mani/pedicure to be completed I am taking advantage of the fact that I have her handy dandy iPhone to update my blog.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately (and it's not that I don't think at other times but I just have less distractions now that I'm on summer vacation). One of the things that I've been thinking about is my anger. Some of you who may know me a little better may not be surprised that I am writing about my anger. But I think the majority of you reading this post have no idea (I probably do a good job of hiding it) that I struggle with anger.

The truth of the matter is that I am a very angry person and many times I fail to identify what the cause of my anger is. Something as minor as being late can make me angry and yet the very things that I should be angry about such as the lack of empathy I have for the "orphans and widows" do not stir me to action. As a consequence, I find that many times I let it out on those who love me the most (my mom and Lucas).

Anger in and of itself is not a negative emotion but the way we respond to it has the potential to destroy us and those around us if mishandled. Currently I am working through a workbook titled "The Anger Workbook". It has helped me become aware of the little things that get my blood boiling.

I really debated on whether or not I should post this but I quickly realized that everything God has been demonstrating through his word shows that great men and women in the bible struggled with something. Moses had a speech impediment, David was an adulterer and Paul persecuted the Christians before his conversion, yet God used them despite their flaws to accomplish great things for his kingdom. Paul puts it like this, But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)

I pray whether you are a follower of my blog or just someone who happened to stop by today that if the Lord is working in your heart on a specific area, that you would be able to find the comfort and healing he has so faithfully provided me with. I am not at the end of my journey, I am merely at the beginning but as I've said in the past, "I am confident that He who began a good work in [me] will complete it until the day of Christ Jesus" (Philippians 1:6).

The Pastor's Wife - A Minister's Greatest Asset or Liability

So I've been hesitating about posting this particular update because quite sincerely, as a Pastor's Wife, it's kind of embarrassing for me to share this but until yesterday I had not opened my bible in over a week. Lack of time is certainly not the reason as I've been on vacation but rather I can attribute the fact that my bible has been collecting dust to a heart of rebellion on my part. I haven't quite pinpointed the reason (I'm doing that as I write) but I believe I've been angry with God.

There's no denying that those closest to me have noticed (i.e. my husband). I actually had to apologize to him because I know that I haven't exactly been the most lovable wife yet he's patiently put up with me. One of the great things about Lucas is his ability to forgive. He doesn't hold on to things, so when I say I'm sorry, he truly forgives and doesn't bring it up ever again. I really appreciate that and I wish that I could be like him in that aspect.

Now why am I angry with God? Well, I don't exactly know the answer to that but slowly I am finding some things in my heart that we are working on together to change. I'm so grateful that the Lord has never left me just as he found me (or just as I was when I first came to him) but he is constantly helping me grow as a woman, a wife, a sister, a friend, and a Pastor's Wife.

So far I can tell you that being a Pastor's Wife has been the hardest role I've ever been in. I never saw that happening in the beginning. I used to hear women complain about it and think, "How can it be so bad? It's such an honor to be a Pastor's Wife."

Now, I understand that the enemy is so slick that he has been using women to discourage men from the beginning of time starting with Adam and Eve. The serpent first deceived the woman using his power of persuasion. It didn't take him long to convince her to take a bite from the fruit from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. However, it didn't stop there, she then gave her husband a bite. Adam resented Eve for what she had done. And I think ever since then, as women we have had to make the choice of fulfilling God's purpose to be our husband's "suitable helper" or follow in Eve's footsteps and just be "that woman God put here" (Read the full story here).

I understand how important my role is to his ministry because I have the power to allow him to accomplish great things for God or to destroy him. Today, I choose to "play on his team" (that's the analogy my hubby uses) and do great things with him.

This is my prayer:

Lord, I know so many times I've been focused on the wrong things and for that I ask forgiveness. Lord, you know that there is nothing I could ever do to thank you for saving me. You have blessed me with a husband that had exactly what I was praying for when I was single. Lucas is a man that loves you more than he loves me and it is because of his love for you that he is able to love me. I pray that you would give me that some fervor; let me fall in love with you, again. Show me how I can be supportive of my husband's calling. I praise you for this day and I thank you that even when I refused to open my bible and allow you to speak to me, you still sought me out. Thank you, Lord for loving me despite my ugliness.

In Jesus' Name,
Amen

Hello, my name is...

Today in church Lucas did the second part of a 4 week series entitled "One Month to Live." He used the passage in the book of John that talks about the woman whom the pharisees wanted to stone to death because she had been caught in adultery. Jesus said that the one without sin could cast the first stone. No one was able to...only Jesus who was blameless and he chose to forgive her, allow her to walk away, and sin no more. How many times don't we look at others and point the finger? And how many times do we fail to recognize our own shortcomings?

One of my favorite parts in Lucas' message was when he shared his own weaknesses with us. It's always so refreshing to know that the person speaking isn't perfect and has his own share of struggles. Lucas then challenged us to do the same thing. Admit areas in our own lives where we may be "messy."

Here I go:
-When I get home I usually take off my shoes and sometimes clothes (jacket or pants) and leave them by the door.
-I stuff a bunch of papers (i.e. correspondence, coupons, etc.) that I think I may need in a drawer. Eventually they expire and I can no longer use them so I have to throw them out.
-I usually wait until the last minute before it's time to go somewhere to find things to do around the house (i.e. wash dishes, throw out the trash, etc.). I cut it close and either I get somewhere flustered or make my husband wait for me so that we can go.
-I like to fill out birthday cards in the car on the way to the party.
-Oftentimes I wait until the very last day to turn something in or pay a bill and sometimes I don't make it on time.
-I'm not very good at unloading the dishwasher and let things sit in there for a while.
-I have some clothes sitting in a bag that needs to be dropped off at the dry cleaner (it's been sitting in my closet for at least a month).

Hello, my name is Indira and I am messy.

Now it's your turn. Tell us your name and some areas you're messy in.

The Real Me

My husband told me something this week that was kind of "escary" (that's the way he'd say it). He said, "Indy, you're 28 years old and probably 12 of those years have been bad days." At first, I just brushed it off in my head and said to myself, "That's not possible. 12 years? That's a long time. No way!". But I realized that he is probably right.

You see I am a perfectionist and a people pleaser (bad combination) and so if things are not going exactly as planned or as I think they should be then my day is ruined. And although I try to focus on the positive my initial reaction is not one of optimism but rather pessimism.

So little by little I've come to the realization (with my hubby's help, of course) that I have the real me (who I really am) and the ideal me (who I want to be). And sometimes the ideal me is far from the real me. However I think that it is God's goal for me to be the ideal me and the only way I can get there is by having a relationship with him...not just on Sundays but every day and every moment of the day. I need to be constantly connected to Him. I can do that by spending time with him in prayer and in His word. I think that is His goal that we are all transformed into the ideal me especially when that ideal is based on who he says we should be. And I think that's where I have the problem because good is never good enough...I can always be better. And those are expectations no one can reach except for Jesus of course because He is the only one that is perfect.

So now what? Should I just settle and say, "I'm good enough the way I am". Well, yes and no. Yes, because I need to accept that who I am is who God made me to be. His word says I am fearfully and wonderfully made. And no because I should constantly strive to be like Christ. It's called sanctification and that process doesn't end until we die. However, I have found that it is a lot easier to allow God to do the work in us rather than try to control or manipulate it by setting unrealistic expectations on ourselves and others. I mean, imagine trying to change habits you've had since childhood all at once. That can be quite overwhelming (trust me, I know) and honestly that is not part of God's plan. I think He wants us to enjoy ourselves along the way. He wants us to love and accept ourselves just the way we are. We don't have to accept our sinful attitudes such as anger, pride, and envy but we should accept us for who God made us to be and little by little allow him to do the transforming work in us.

I love the song "The Real Me" by Natalie Grant. Listen to it and allow her lyrics to penetrate into your heart.

In His love and service,
Indy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u3kr9eqxwCo