Running Away from God

God woke me up this morning at 3:30 am. I confidently attest that it was Him who awoke me because I know that He speaks to me through restlessness. There are few things that irk me more than not being able to sleep yet I know that He uses sleepless nights to get my undivided attention.

Even after I know what God wants from me (my undivided attention), I am not always willing to give it to Him. I choose to avoid Him for several reasons. One, spending time in His presence takes work. It's not as easy as closing my eyes and reciting a prayer. No, I must resolve to invest time with Him. Communication is a two way street and it's not about how much talking I can do, but how willing I am to listen. Secondly, spending time with Him changes me. If you've ever had a bad habit, you will know how hard they are to break. Psychologists call the incapability to change resistance. We resist change because we are comfortable with our routines. It is easier to revert to old habits than begin to form new ones. However, when I grant Him the access, when I welcome Him, He will never leave me the same. He will pull and stretch me until He has transformed me into that woman He intends for me to be. Lastly, I flee from Him because I think I can do it on my own. Getting down on my knees and surrendering completely is in a sense reminiscent of waving a white flag in defeat. However, if Paul could admit it then so can I, "That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:10).

Likewise, Jonah reached a point in his life in which he realized he could no longer run away from God. He recognized that God would go through any lengths to get his attention and He did sending a big fish to swallow him whole. At that very moment, there was no denying the facts, God not only wanted his attention but He had it. Today, like God had Jonah's attention, God has mine.

Be Careful What You Pray For

On more than one occasion you have probably heard this phrase, "Be careful what you wish for." However, today I would like to say to you, "Be careful what you pray for."

Case in point. On Monday, June 20th, I shared my prayer petition with the ladies. I mentioned that since I was on vacation my desire was to invest my time in others, study His word and know Him better. I didn't want this summer to go by the wayside. I wanted it to yield returns and I was determined to pour my life into the lives of others.

The thing is that when I expressed my desire, leading the women's small group was the furthest thing from my mind. I mistakenly thought that I could do what I felt most comfortable doing. I wanted to relate to non-believers in my everyday experiences and casually reach out to them. Sure, I could continue to invite them to church and share the gospel with them. However, never in a million years would I imagine my friend, Paulita, asking me to take over the women's small group while she prepared to give birth to her second daugher.

If I can be perfectly frank, teaching women that have sons and daughters my age and have been a part of the church much longer than I have even been a believer was just a tad bit intimidating. I would no longer be able to hide behind my bible on Monday nights, free to comment only whenever I wanted to share something that wasn't too personal. No, now God was begging me to be completely transparent. I wasn't expected to sit by idly participating when it was convenient, I was now going to be challenging the ladies by asking and answering the difficult questions.

Yet the day that my friend asked me to take over, I felt complete peace. At that very moment, I realized that in only one week, God had answered my prayer and the prayers of the ladies in my small group. The dreams I had were small in comparison to His. God was calling me out of my comfort zone reassuring me by whispering, "Indy, you are not going to do this. I will do this through you. You will do this in my power."

God doesn't always answer our prayers the way we want, expect or even within our timeframe. And I am infinitely grateful for that. My God is a God that dreams bigger than I do, gives me more than I ask for, and loves me enough to believe in me when I doubt.

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us." - Ephesians 3:20

At my friend Paulita's baby shower with some of the ladies from the women's small group.

Restlessness

The past couple of nights have been rough for me. I have been getting up at 1:30 am (certainly not by my own will) and it's taken me hours (at least 3 hours each night) to fall asleep again. I know that when I get up like this it is the Lord causing me to feel restless. There is something specifically that I need to be praying about and something that He needs my undivided attention for. However, I don't always react with enthusiasm to hear from God. It is actually more like annoyance and frustration on my part. I tell God, "Why? Please let me go back to sleep. We can talk later. I promise." But that isn't always so.

If God wouldn't cause this uneasiness in my soul then I probably would go on about my day with very little need to seek Him. Sure, I'd read my bible and pray but sadly my time with Him wouldn't be as productive. This morning I had a true desire to hear from Him. After all if he wants my attention this bad, it must be good. So I opened up my bible to Psalm 22 and this verse spoke to me, "Every day I call to you, my God, but you do not answer. Every night you hear my voice, but I find no relief."

You see for almost two years I have been asking the Lord for this one seemingly small miracle however my petition has gone unanswered. I don't think it's so much that God wants to keep me in limbo or that He doesn't want to give me the desires of my heart but rather in the midst of this wait, His objective is to draw me closer to Him. And if I am going to come out of this trial with a better relationship with my Lord then it is most definitely worth it.

Lord, you know me better than I know myself. You know how hard I try to be in control of my life, yet you have shown me that my life is not my own. It is in your hands whether I want to hand it over to you or not. I am tired of carrying this burden and no longer want to be in the driver's seat. Today I willingly chose to give it all to you. If I am honest with myself I find that a tiny part within me wants to be in charge. Would you show me how to trust in you. Would you give me the faith that I need to believe in what it is that I do not yet see.

In Jesus' Name,
AMEN

"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see. "
-Hebrews 11:1

"I'm praying for you."

I find myself using these four little words quite often and many times I am guilty of not following through with my promise. It's not intential. I just get so wrapped up in the busyness of life that many times it just slips my mind.


How do you keep good with your word?