The past couple of nights have been rough for me. I have been getting up at 1:30 am (certainly not by my own will) and it's taken me hours (at least 3 hours each night) to fall asleep again. I know that when I get up like this it is the Lord causing me to feel restless. There is something specifically that I need to be praying about and something that He needs my undivided attention for. However, I don't always react with enthusiasm to hear from God. It is actually more like annoyance and frustration on my part. I tell God, "Why? Please let me go back to sleep. We can talk later. I promise." But that isn't always so.
If God wouldn't cause this uneasiness in my soul then I probably would go on about my day with very little need to seek Him. Sure, I'd read my bible and pray but sadly my time with Him wouldn't be as productive. This morning I had a true desire to hear from Him. After all if he wants my attention this bad, it must be good. So I opened up my bible to Psalm 22 and this verse spoke to me, "Every day I call to you, my God, but you do not answer. Every night you hear my voice, but I find no relief."
You see for almost two years I have been asking the Lord for this one seemingly small miracle however my petition has gone unanswered. I don't think it's so much that God wants to keep me in limbo or that He doesn't want to give me the desires of my heart but rather in the midst of this wait, His objective is to draw me closer to Him. And if I am going to come out of this trial with a better relationship with my Lord then it is most definitely worth it.
Lord, you know me better than I know myself. You know how hard I try to be in control of my life, yet you have shown me that my life is not my own. It is in your hands whether I want to hand it over to you or not. I am tired of carrying this burden and no longer want to be in the driver's seat. Today I willingly chose to give it all to you. If I am honest with myself I find that a tiny part within me wants to be in charge. Would you show me how to trust in you. Would you give me the faith that I need to believe in what it is that I do not yet see.
In Jesus' Name,
"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see. "