So I've been hesitating about posting this particular update because quite sincerely, as a Pastor's Wife, it's kind of embarrassing for me to share this but until yesterday I had not opened my bible in over a week. Lack of time is certainly not the reason as I've been on vacation but rather I can attribute the fact that my bible has been collecting dust to a heart of rebellion on my part. I haven't quite pinpointed the reason (I'm doing that as I write) but I believe I've been angry with God.
There's no denying that those closest to me have noticed (i.e. my husband). I actually had to apologize to him because I know that I haven't exactly been the most lovable wife yet he's patiently put up with me. One of the great things about Lucas is his ability to forgive. He doesn't hold on to things, so when I say I'm sorry, he truly forgives and doesn't bring it up ever again. I really appreciate that and I wish that I could be like him in that aspect.
Now why am I angry with God? Well, I don't exactly know the answer to that but slowly I am finding some things in my heart that we are working on together to change. I'm so grateful that the Lord has never left me just as he found me (or just as I was when I first came to him) but he is constantly helping me grow as a woman, a wife, a sister, a friend, and a Pastor's Wife.
So far I can tell you that being a Pastor's Wife has been the hardest role I've ever been in. I never saw that happening in the beginning. I used to hear women complain about it and think, "How can it be so bad? It's such an honor to be a Pastor's Wife."
Now, I understand that the enemy is so slick that he has been using women to discourage men from the beginning of time starting with Adam and Eve. The serpent first deceived the woman using his power of persuasion. It didn't take him long to convince her to take a bite from the fruit from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. However, it didn't stop there, she then gave her husband a bite. Adam resented Eve for what she had done. And I think ever since then, as women we have had to make the choice of fulfilling God's purpose to be our husband's "suitable helper" or follow in Eve's footsteps and just be "that woman God put here" (Read the full story here).
I understand how important my role is to his ministry because I have the power to allow him to accomplish great things for God or to destroy him. Today, I choose to "play on his team" (that's the analogy my hubby uses) and do great things with him.
This is my prayer:
Lord, I know so many times I've been focused on the wrong things and for that I ask forgiveness. Lord, you know that there is nothing I could ever do to thank you for saving me. You have blessed me with a husband that had exactly what I was praying for when I was single. Lucas is a man that loves you more than he loves me and it is because of his love for you that he is able to love me. I pray that you would give me that some fervor; let me fall in love with you, again. Show me how I can be supportive of my husband's calling. I praise you for this day and I thank you that even when I refused to open my bible and allow you to speak to me, you still sought me out. Thank you, Lord for loving me despite my ugliness.
In Jesus' Name,