Monday, May 3, 2010

Learning in the Midst of a Lonely Place

In lieu of "Good News Monday," today I will share one of the heavy burdens the Lord has placed on my heart. I feel compelled to share these insights with you and I hope you will join me in this journey of self-discovery. As you may already know, I am a pastor's wife and quite proud of it. However being a pastor's wife as great a privilege as it is, has it's downside. It is also a very lonely place. Someone once said that everybody knows the pastor's wife but nobody really knows the pastor's wife. This is so true. Although everyone knows who I am and knows my husband, few really know me.

If I am perfectly honest with you, I will have to admit that this is the toughest position I have ever been in. I love how my husband serves the Lord with his whole heart and even before we were married, I prayed for a man that would be committed to Christ first and foremost. Yet at times I find that I resent the church and activities that we are doing because I have to share my husband. It feels almost as if I have to compete with the church for my husband's attention. Don't get me wrong, Lucas is a great husband but I think the problem lies within me. I expect him to meet all of my needs and by doing so, I am giving him the place that is specifically reserved and designated for God alone. Ultimately, God is the only one capable of meeting my every single need.

I also find myself doing lots of things for my husband like preparing his PowerPoint presentation, printing the Sunday morning bulletin, setting up the projector and so forth. I want to make sure he is ready to preach and smoothen his transition from worship leader to pastor as much as possible. Yet many times, I question how much of this I do for God and how much I do for my husband. It's a fine line to walk and I believe there must be a clear distinction between the two but I find myself wavering back and forth between the two all too often.

I don't know what these discoveries imply. I don't even know where I stand in my relationship with the Lord at this very moment. One thing I do know. As tough as this is, I would not want it any other way because this is God's will for us. If my husband has been called to serve the Lord to this capacity then I will follow as best as I know how. I will strive to be a gracious contributor and not a greedy competitor in the story God is using us to write together.

Nobody really goes to school to learn how to be a pastor's wife. Basically it is something one learns along the way, primarily through experiences, prayer and a close relationship with the Lord. If you are a pastor's wife, I'd love to hear from you. Do you struggle like I do or have you ever? What did you find that helped you?

Dear Lord,
I know the enemy wants to destroy the family and so many times I feel like he targets the wife through her emotions. I am sorry for the times in which I could have done right yet allowed my feelings to get in the way and erred. Please forgive me. I ask that you would use even this to strengthen my relationship with you. I pray for all of the pastor's wives out there. I pray that on a day like today, that they would know the impact that they have, the significant role they play in their church and how much you want to use them for your kingdom. Lord, help me and any of my sister's in Christ struggling with this depend on you alone to meet all of our needs.

In Jesus' name,

"A wise woman builds her home but the foolish woman tears it down with her own hands." Proverbs 14:1


Rebekah said...

Indy, I know a fraction of what you feel. I grew up a pastor's kid and know what I experienced and watched my mom battle some of the same emotions you speak of.

I hope you have a good confidant you can unload on. It's important!

Anonymous said...

Oh wow Indy, I have definitely felt that way before and we have never been senior pastors (only college and youth). So I can't even imagine the pressure that comes along with that position. You are so wonderful to share your heart like this!

I worked with Barry for a number of years. I was his assistant in everything and one day we started talking about the pressure I was feeling. I asked Barry if he would rather have me as a wife or an employee...he chose wife. From then on I gradually released all of my administrative responsibilities to other people. It made a HUGE difference. It helped me to be free to from feeling like I was competing for my husbands time...all the time!