So many times God responds to our prayer request with a no but I find that sometimes it is harder when he says, "Not right now". That is what I have been experiencing this past year. There is something that I really want and feel so ready for, yet God has not given it to me. I believe it is not yet His time. And as much as I have prayed and asked him to give me the desire of my heart I believe He is now asking me to stop talking and just listen to Him.
I admit that this is extremely challenging for me to do. You see I don't have a problem picking up a Christian book and reading about that topic be it marriage, forgiveness or some other pertinent aspect of my life. However, it is much more difficult to pick up my bible and just let God speak to me. Don't get my wrong, I love the word of God and I think it's powerful it's just that I have a hard time knowing where to start and being consistent with it. I used to read a Proverb a Day and then realized I needed more than just a dose in the morning. Recently I began reading the books of 1 Samuel and Luke. Yet I am struggling with the motives behind my actions. Many times I want to do things that are right "legalistic" because of selfishness.
I know God has a purpose for allowing me to go through this but it is difficult nonetheless. I find myself getting angry with God and at times feeling envious of others who have what I want and think I deserve. I just want to be able to enjoy what I have today without contemplating what tomorrow may bring. I am confident that one day the Lord will give me the desire of my heart. However I first have to learn to be content with today and stop thinking "If only _____, then I would be happy".
This is my prayer:
Lord, I thank you for being the sovereign Lord that you are. I am sorry for being so selfish and wanting things my way. I ask you to work in my heart and remove all anger and jealousy that I feel when I focus on my desires and not on my provider. Prepare me for whatever it is you have up ahead for us. Show me how to listen to you and guide me as a delve into your word. Transform my mind, my heart and my soul.
It is in Jesus' name that I do pray,
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.